Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.
- Rumi
Nigaar
“…. I have lived my life to the fullest dear, now it’s your turn. Never hesitate to open your wings. Fly.”
I still remember these words which she said in her last days. My Grandma preferred that people should call her by her pen-name, Nigaar and not being called as Dadi or amma or anything else which will append her name to aging life. Her name was Radhika Chitranjan. Dadu had given her the name Nigaar, after reading her poems which were usually in Hindustani Language. Nigaar, an Urdu word, literally has two meanings, oneof them is a painting and second, someone beloved. Dadu used to tell her, Radhika whenever I read your poems, it feels like every single word strikes like a paintbrush on the canvas and I imagine a painting being made in my mind.
Nigaar had a wander-lust at the time when the people were barely familiar with it in India, especially here in Bhopal. The word became a cult after the year 2000. Dadu himself was an avid traveler. Due to his government job and passion for photography, he always had time and reasons to pack up his bag, hold the hand of his beloved Nigaar and expedite themselves to another road, another town or city and many times to another time zone. Nigaar had met innumerable people, tasted different sorts of food, fallen in love with Kashmir countless times, had thousands of experience to share, kissed Dadu in front of Eiffel tower (on cheeks though), acquired an adrenaline rush for skydiving at 55 (unfortunately 45 was the limit) and she was always ready for a long drive till she finally got bedridden due to pneumonia and then died later.
I never understand when people of my parents' age say that they never had the same opportunity as today’s generation has. I want them to see Nigaar once, how free she was, how she never missed an opportunity to experience something new and exciting, how she lived a life she always dreamt of. Today, when I want to hop into the world of writing, why the fear of not being approved of is making me not to run for it, when I want to travel the world why the fears of life are not letting me start a new journey and when I want to be loved by someone why the fear of being cheated is not allowing the relationship to grow. Why can’t I be like Nigaar? She had once said, “Varnika, remember two things in your life: never ever at any stage of life let yourself sway away in the tempest of fear and despair and never shy away from falling in arms of what you love.” Today, I see the prestigious awards she has been honored with, for her works in poetry and I remember one of her prose:
हिम्मत ए ज़नाना मात देती है हिम्मत ए मर्दां को,
कौन कोख में लिए चलता है वाजूद ए इंसान।
कौन कोख में लिए चलता है वाजूद ए इंसान।
Meaning, “A Courageous woman is no less than a courageous man, who has guts to create life in their womb?”
But, why am I afraid to live a life like Nigaar. Why can’t I just open my wings and fly? What did Nigaar had that I don’t?
